Senior executive with snarky thoughts wanting ideas. Babs has some.
Hey Babs,
I have been a senior executive in a large public sector organization for the past 10 years. I have nearly 20 years management experience and a spotless work record. Our HR department conducts 360 assessments of all managers and senior executives and past performance feedback tells me that my direct reports and peers have considered me fair, considerate, smart, and collegial.
But I have noticed a change in my work with colleagues. While I haven’t yet, as far as I know, been out-of-line with anyone, I have caught myself having snarky responses in my head and on the tip of my tongue. I’m feeling like my buttons are easily pushed and I’m a little worried about losing it and losing my good reputation.
I have been telling myself to shape up, but the other day I even gave myself a snarky response to this. Not sure where this is going to end.
Any ideas?
J.
Hey J,
Thank you for sharing this and know that you are not alone in having this experience. It’s not great to feel your buttons being pushed and worrying about how you might respond. As this is a change in your outlook and your sense of self, I wonder about what else is happening around you.
Have there been changes at work or in other aspects of your life? Even positive changes, like a new and desired work project, a puppy or kitten, or a new home or relationship can take us out of our usual habits or comfort zone and expose our vulnerabilities as buttons being pushed.
This is even more so with other changes such as a new and not-so-desired work project, loss and grief, financial stress, or health issues.
I know from personal experience that when we ignore our needs and changes in our behaviour, we and others around us will suffer the consequences. By changes, I’m not talking about a moody afternoon after too little sleep and too much sugar (although that also needs care), I’m talking about consistent unwanted and unwise thoughts, feelings, and behaviour. If ignored they will bite, sometimes really hard, and as you are aware, this can harm our well-being, our reputation, our relationships, and our livelihood.
If you haven’t yet, now is a good time to get a general physical and mental health check-up. Even if you feel in the peak of health, just humour me and this way you will also be talking with some smart professional folks who might have useful things to say about taking care of yourself.
Once you have paid attention to your health, I invite you, as feels good and is available to you, to lightly and gently get curious about these buttons that are getting pushed. If you don’t already have a practice of introspection or reflection to lean on, the following prompts might give you a place to start. Be kind, gentle, and even humorous as works for you:
- What would you call or label these buttons and reactions? If stuck you may find Brené Brown’s Atlas of the Heart List of Emotions helpful.
- Under what circumstances do they get pushed? Be concrete and use real examples including the when, who, what, and how of the situation. Again, be light and easy with this, no need to make it an epic story or sweeping saga. It’s just a quick note of what is going on so that you better understand the patterns and habits that are surrounding your buttons being pushed.
- When a button is pushed, where in your body do you feel it? Describe how it physically feels. I know this might sound a little strange, and its not for everybody, but try taking care of that button as you would a little kid’s bruised knee or a stomach-ache. What caring words or thoughts might you use to ease the discomfort? How might you then carefully and lovingly put the discomfort aside to get back to a sense of balance or ease rather than feeding a spiralling reaction?
- Go back to your quick notes of what happened. What would be your preferred or ideal response when your buttons are pushed?
- What do you need to do to respond this way? In other words, how will you build your self-awareness, resilience, and self-management? You might think of this as gathering your resources and support. This might include physical activity, time unplugged, music, being creative, mediation or breath work, reaching out to friends, or a mentor or counsellor.
- Imagine these buttons fading away. What does that feel like? What is your next step in making this happen?
Something has changed in your life, and it is not serving you, your work, or those around you well. Those pushed buttons are telling you that you need some care and attention. I’m telling you that you deserve care and attention.
I’m in your corner and cheering you on.
Babs
Photo by Mick Haupt on Unsplash
I am grateful for your letters and that so many honest and courageous people share their leadership stories with me to share with others. Unfortunately, it is not possible to share all of your letters and stories in this newsletter.
Please note that if you are experiencing a situation that is unsafe, if you are in crisis, or if you are struggling with trauma, that you deserve and need more than I am qualified to give. When it is right for you, please reach out to whoever you trust to get help, your workplace employee assistance program, or a medical or counselling professional.
I am also here for you. You can find out more about the Courageous Leaders Project and my work as a facilitator and coach at courageousleaders.ca.