When I first heard someone at some conference somewhere talk about the difference between boundaries and armour, I felt defensive and dismissive, and they weren’t even speaking about me or to me. I was so armoured up and so used to carrying it around I didn’t even see what you just saw.
I thought I had boundaries. It made sense that I would set boundaries as I moved into leadership positions and felt the need to protect myself and my non-work life from work demands and expectations, particularly as my responsibility for leading and managing staff grew. And work boundaries are important (see “How to set clear work boundaries — and stick to them”, by Jane Hardy), but here is what happened when my I-don’t-know-a-thing-about-boundaries-self set boundaries – I built armour.
We put on armour so that nothing can get in, nothing can affect us, and nobody can see who we really are. For many of us, armouring up began as a way to create the safety that others failed to provide for us in our uncertain, chaotic, or unsafe childhoods. For some of us we never learned to take the armour off and our childhood view of the world as unsafe and out of our control stayed with us.
Even when, as adults, it no longer served us we continued to armour up, and in some cases we added weapons (hurt people hurt people), to navigate a world, including our work world, on constant defense / offense. Bingo if you just said “fight, flight, freeze, and fawn” to yourself.
Boundaries are different.
When used wisely, boundaries are a healthy part of work and non-work relationships. Boundaries vary from person to person and depend on the context. We have different boundaries with a close friend than we do with a stranger on the train. And the boundaries with that close friend will be different when we are sharing popcorn on the couch while watching a movie from when we are attending a business function together.
Despite all these differences or nuances, a wise and healthy boundary requires:
- self-awareness (what am I comfortable or not comfortable with and why – such as gossip);
- knowing your personal values and priorities (integrity and kind intention in how and what I communicate with others)
- ethics (I don’t gossip because it causes harm to others and to myself)
- the ability to articulate the boundary clearly so as to not be passive-aggressive about our own needs (better to say “I’d rather hear about your weekend and how your judo class went” instead of saying to another co-worker “I hate it when they gossip about others after the meeting”).
- the willingness to accept the consequences with good grace (you may be left out of informal post-meeting chats)
Boundaries let others see and know the real us. They make our emotional life stronger and safer. Armour is impenetrable, heavy, and constraining. It limits our ability to connect with our emotional needs and to build healthy relationships with others.
I invite you to consider if, perhaps like me, you are lugging around armour that is doing you a disservice, when what you need are boundaries.
As you reflect on this, you may want to consider the questions below with loads of compassion and kindness for yourself. Think of yourself as a dear friend and show the care and loving attention that you would for a dear friend.
- Are there patterns in my relationships that may be pointing to boundary issues?
- Are there people or situations that I avoid because I don’t know how to manage myself?
- Am I showing up at work and in my leadership journey in ways that truly demonstrate my values and priorities?
- Do I feel the weight of emotional armour? What does it feel like and how might I discard it?
Some of these questions may make you cringe. I’d love to see more of us replacing that cringy feeling with a soft smile, some kind words, and intention to do different. Very few of us lead a life without regret or embarrassment; it is what we do with it, how we learn and grow, make amends and reparations, and try again that makes us courageous.
For some, this type of reflection may trigger feelings that go deep, even scary deep – armour gets built for a reason. If this is happening for you, you deserve to reach out for support. Support might start with a friend, a doctor, a faith leader, EAP or other access to professional counselling, or a hot-line. Believe me, I have walked this path and you don’t have to do this alone.
In Reflections I encourage us to take time to generously and kindly contemplate how we are showing up and to compassionately cultivate and nurture our internal growth. Reflect your way and use what is available and feels good to you. Get out the coloured markers, sing or dance, go outside and take in the sky, breathe deep, and know that you are not alone as a courageous leader.