The Beautiful Game, the elegance of Bill Nighy, and Joe Strummer wrestling demons.
My fondness for feel-good hope-filled movies got a boost with a recent viewing of The Beautiful Game. Yes, The Guardian was right, the tropes are a bit familiar, as is Bill Nighy with his hidden sorrow and enviable elegance, but since that is what I was watching this for, those aren’t criticisms, those are observations.
The film is largely about redemption and the importance of starting again. I have touched on these themes in other posts, most recently in the “Hey Babs” where I’m asked about making a mistake, getting fired, and the common desire to sweep it all under the rug. You can read the letter and my response here.
There was also a smaller and easy to miss sub-theme in the film about the burden of unwise expectations.
Getting Curious about Unwise Expectations
Unwise expectations may be internalized from our childhood and youth, from others in our current close circles whether they be authority figures or peers, and from the broader society.
These unwise expectations can be about anything, such as behaviour, appearance, skills, expertise, or success. They will give us clues and guide us in our habits, priorities and goals; in how we judge ourselves and others; and in general how the world works (often divided into winners and losers and insiders and outsiders). They are our inner critic, the bad roommate in our head who takes up too much space and leaves a mess, and the voice that leaves us feeling less than we are.
These unwise expectations might look similar to run-of-the-mill expectations, but what sets them apart is that if we don’t meet them, we believe that we are not of value.
Here is a handful of examples of what these expectations may look like:
- being a well-behaved and invisible child
- being an entertaining child
- being a caring child
- being the bad child
- good grades / poor grades
- winning sports / can’t play sports
- body shape, size, etc
- promotions
- spouse and children
- property ownership
- vacation destinations
- being right
- being smart
Questions for Reflection
When we recognize, accept, gently poke at, and let go of these unwise expectations we make room for wiser and healthier thinking and behaviour. We make space for fully knowing ourselves, our priorities, our values, and our vision as leaders.
I offer the following questions to support your start on letting go. Take what works for you and when it works for you.
- What are the expectations (some wise, some unwise) that you carry?
Don’t dwell too much on this, just hold them lightly with recognition. They are not you, they are just some expectations.
- Which expectations are serving you well?
Again, hold them lightly. Even helpful expectations are not you. At their best they are guides for making choices. Appreciate what they give and celebrate your self-awareness and motivations (we will talk about intrinsic v.s. extrinsic motivations another time).
- Which expectations, even if they served you well in the past (such as keeping you safe as a child), no longer serve you? In fact they are holding you back.
This may be difficult and being kind to yourself is important. Think about how you would support a friend who was doing this work and do that for yourself. You may find it helpful to say out loud or to write down some encouraging words. You might try putting your hand on your heart-space or wrapping your arms around yourself (brain science has loads on why this is helpful). Be present for yourself, you are worth it.
- When you are ready, ask yourself, what needs to change in my life or in my behaviour to let go of this expectation or these expectations? Take your time and again, be kind with yourself.
You may want to start with one easy expectation; the one that is just hanging around, doesn’t keep you up at night or doesn’t have you wanting to slip under your desk after you read a difficult email. Recognize and appreciate this expectation for what it is, a past part of your life that you no longer need and let it go. And when it comes back, let it go again.
How and when you let go is up to you. For some it’s a matter of shrugging it off and moving on. Others might write it down and light it on fire or shout it out the window and let the wind have it. There is a ravine nearby where I used to live that became the dumping ground of my unwise expectations nearly every day for a year – some over and over again.
This work isn’t easy. It takes discipline to let go of expectations.
Or as Joe Strummer once sang,
Well, I’ll tell you one thing that I know
You don’t face your demons down
You gotta grab ’em, jack
And pin ’em to the ground
You can do this and you don’t have to do it alone.
I’m here for you,
Babs
p.s. You can find out more about me and my work as a leadership coach at the Courageous Leaders Project.
p.p.s. “Bill Nighy Is a Menswear King”, GQ, Avidan Grossman, May 5, 2023.
In “Reflections” I encourage us to take time to generously and kindly contemplate how we are showing up and to compassionately cultivate and nurture our growth. Reflect your way and use what is available and feels good to you. Get out the coloured markers, sing or dance, go outside and take in the sky, breathe deep, and know that you are not alone as a courageous leader.